What's going on inside of me?
Saturday, August 13th, 2005 09:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
basildestinyI despise my own behavior.
But the heart of the matter of my emotional issues isn't fully a lack of trust issue. Being a Christian, I know that many people will make fun of me for my beliefs (and no, I'm not going to delve into yet another seemingly tired discussion about why). It really just boils down to the fact that while I can be honest about the important things, I have a tendency to hold my tongue if not directly addressed. The whole socially imposed restraints and niceties. We have to live side by side and no one wants a Mr/Mrs/Miss Know-It-All trying to help. No one wants a Mr/Mrs/Miss Guilt Trip or Mr/Mrs/Miss Foot Constantly In Mouth. So why be honest when I can be quiet? After all, being quiet is much nicer than hurting someone's feelings, right? In the words of Thumper's mother: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Great advice! For an impertinent child, but I'm no longer an impertinent child. I'm an adult trying to figure out how to live a Christian life Biblically in a world that's so sick and tired of Jesus that it's made up it's own truth. And all of my life, I've been an observer who quietly watches. I'm not a strong personality that feels it neccessary to constantly be the center of attention and as a result I'm quiet when I'm not observing.
But I'm suffering because I can't be honest. I feel better at work when I have sitdowns with my boss and tell him what's bothering me. But I do it privately. I'm quiet. I don't want other people to know. Why do I do that? It's not neccessary. I'm resolving to tell the truth. I'm going to tell the truth, though, with the light of being a Christian. A real mature Christian. Not a baby Christian who gossips or hurts feelings or passes judgement on people. Just someone whose honesty is known and not a private affair.
And to those who shake their heads and say "You're just a lost little girl," I say Satan, begone! You have no power over me. I freely admit to being a sinner. Nothing redeems me except Jesus' blood. And now that I am redeemed, I shall emulate my savior to the best of my abilities.
I can only imagine...
~Bas
But the heart of the matter of my emotional issues isn't fully a lack of trust issue. Being a Christian, I know that many people will make fun of me for my beliefs (and no, I'm not going to delve into yet another seemingly tired discussion about why). It really just boils down to the fact that while I can be honest about the important things, I have a tendency to hold my tongue if not directly addressed. The whole socially imposed restraints and niceties. We have to live side by side and no one wants a Mr/Mrs/Miss Know-It-All trying to help. No one wants a Mr/Mrs/Miss Guilt Trip or Mr/Mrs/Miss Foot Constantly In Mouth. So why be honest when I can be quiet? After all, being quiet is much nicer than hurting someone's feelings, right? In the words of Thumper's mother: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Great advice! For an impertinent child, but I'm no longer an impertinent child. I'm an adult trying to figure out how to live a Christian life Biblically in a world that's so sick and tired of Jesus that it's made up it's own truth. And all of my life, I've been an observer who quietly watches. I'm not a strong personality that feels it neccessary to constantly be the center of attention and as a result I'm quiet when I'm not observing.
But I'm suffering because I can't be honest. I feel better at work when I have sitdowns with my boss and tell him what's bothering me. But I do it privately. I'm quiet. I don't want other people to know. Why do I do that? It's not neccessary. I'm resolving to tell the truth. I'm going to tell the truth, though, with the light of being a Christian. A real mature Christian. Not a baby Christian who gossips or hurts feelings or passes judgement on people. Just someone whose honesty is known and not a private affair.
And to those who shake their heads and say "You're just a lost little girl," I say Satan, begone! You have no power over me. I freely admit to being a sinner. Nothing redeems me except Jesus' blood. And now that I am redeemed, I shall emulate my savior to the best of my abilities.
I can only imagine...
~Bas
