basildestiny | Something original?

Not an original thought in my head tonight. Have I posted anything worth reading lately? I'm feeling kind of moot today. Pointless. Drifing through space and time with no particular purpose or use. I have a friend who is angry or upset with me for reasons that are beyond my comprehension. I am tired of being accused of not caring. I'm tired of having to prove that I care. I'm sick of having to say I love you as a friend. I want you to be in my life as a friend that I care for every time I do something that is misinterpreted. I'm tired of having to be right, but I'm not going to say I'm sorry for not saying something I never had any intention of saying or for not clarifying something that was imagined anyway. I'm an honest and straight forward person. I will always be an honest and straightforward person. My supervisor and I have already had a few ... not arguments, but misunderstandings because I speak what is on my mind and he wants to put a nice spin on it, but when he speaks the truth, no one should call him on it. I guess if you're a supervisor you have different standards? I guess so. I'm tired of being right anyway so I'm just going to duck those shots. I'm honest and straight forward unless there's absolutely no reason for me to be honest and straightforward. If being honest or straightforward will only be hurtful, I know to keep my mouth shut. But if a friend cannot come to me and sort out the misunderstanding, I can't lose sleep over it. I can't continue to worry and fret over it until I'm sick. It's not my misunderstanding. I never knew there was bad blood between us. It's news to me that we have beef now.

Sometimes I get sick of marching in front. Of leading people. Sometimes I'd like to have a mentor to guide me. To reach out their hand and show me a way. I suppose I have found my own mentors. Through music. I look up to people like Robert Smith and Morrissey and Eminem and Sarah McLachlin. I idolize Horatio Caine. The trouble is that I don't get answers to the questions I have. Where is my crew of friends to help me out? I thought I had some, but when I turn to find them I discover they have their own lives and while I stand on the frontlines to give advice and help out as best I can, I'm either unneccessary or forgotten. I am useless. My friends don't need me.

I try to keep in touch. I send emails. I write in my livejournal. But this is either not enough or unneccessary. Maybe I should move. Maybe I shouldn't even bother to tell anyone these feelings. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I've listened to A Perfect Circle, Eminem, Morrissey and Sarah McLachlin too much. Maybe. Maybe I have a point and no one wants to hear it because they feel the same way, but don't want to believe that feeling. It can't be true. We all have a purpose, we just need to work to find it. Maybe my friends imagine that I keep in touch with all of these people. Maybe they imagine that I have an amazing social life. I am after all a single twenty something. I care not. I. care. not.

This world - I am afraid/ is designed for crashing bores/ I am not / I am not one/ -Morrissey
~Bas

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