Apathy doesn't make me happy

[basildestiny]

So, didn't go searching for a job today either. I don't know what's wrong. I think part of the problem is that I need to clean my room. When that is in order, I'll feel free to find something else to do.

Well I have been feeling a little black and white since Leland left. It's like the color has drained out of my life as soon as he left. I look back at the pictures we took when he was here and I remember that happiness. It's a great feeling. And I know I shouldn't rely on someone to make me feel alive. But I do. I was thinking that I should lose weight. And that when I've lost wieght, I should have a child. When Leland was here, I got little sleep because I found I wanted to get out of bed and do something. It's not the job or lack thereof that's getting to me. I've felt this way for a while. I think it's this mid-life crisis I've been trying to have. Or maybe it's more of an empty nest syndrome like my mom has been feeling. Goes back to that whole having raised my children. And I'll think that I should get a job because there are some things that I want, but then I think that being homeless might not be so bad. Not that I would even know. I just enjoy this feeling of insanity sometimes. Being insane would be so much more fun. Maybe I need to move to a big city. But I like the scenery.

I watched Shawshank Redemption again today. I kind of feel like Andy. I feel like this bored person with nothing really to do. But he gets inspired when faced with opposition. I'm just faced with apathy. It doesn't inspire in the least.

I finally watched Alex and Emma. I had to watch it so I could remember Luke Wilson. I was getting pretty caught up in Evan Rosier. I think he plays a great Evan Rosier. It was a very good Luke Wilson movie. I don't care what the critics said about it. I enjoyed it. I think being an English Major it spoke to me. I knew exactly what Alex was talking about when he said the characters speak to him. I know his frustrations when he's having to explain that his characters live in his head. It was great fun.

Evan Rosier is a sick bastard. Maybe Francis Nott and Severus Snape will come back soon. I have tried not to be whiny about it. But I really miss Niki. She's my best buddy online. She's the reason I got into the MWPP game. The only reason I read it at first. And now Maile is in Las Vegas. I'm trying to be all mature about it. But damn! I hate that my peeps are gone!! Come back soon, peeps! I need you! You enrich my life more than you know.


I had some pictures developped this weekend and just got them back. I thought I was missing some pictures as my camera has this knack for cutting off the last picture. But then I remembered that I have another roll still in the camera. That's good because there's one picture I really want to see. It will probably be an awful picture though.

Do you know what I didn't do today? I didn't open the curtains in my room. That's kind of a letdown to realize now at 12:30 at night.

I'm not depressed, I'm apathetic
Bas

Comments

[shagsthedustmop.livejournal.com]

The fact that you're thinking of both becoming homeless and having a child in the same message really scares me. I would say neither is a good idea. The only good reason to have a child is that every single fiber of your being wants one and you are in an emotional and financial position to care for it. Anything else is irresponsible, and being apathetic is a bit contrary to it. And I doubt being homeless is much fun :(

I too have been bummed that not much is happening at MWPP. Read some good fics to keep your mind off things! Or go for a walk - I don't know about where you are but the weather here has been gorgeous the last couple days.

*hugs*

[basildestiny]

Well I really don't feel like arguing politics with you. You want to sterilize all stupid people. My desire to have a child is not to bring it into homelessness with myself. And I haven't found that the best way to fight apathy is through lecture.

I'm apathetic because I have nothing to do. No burning desire to get anything done. Yes, I have a few ideas, but no dreams. I don't have the fire under me to get them done. I'm positive that I could do them so I don't, but my motivation does not last long enough. Quitting my job was an amazing thing. I can't believe I actually managed it. It was so much easier to continue going there. So having a child so I can bring it into homelessness was not my plan. I want a child so that I have purpose again. So it will change my life completely as children are apt to do. I could go into more reasons, but I think they are far too depressing and thus unnecessary.

You've never been apathetic? Probably not. I hate fics. They are never to par. I had that discussion with Jamie last night. English majors are far too cynical and critical. We're snobs. I really ought to go back to school. I would like it. I always like it. But then the fire goes out.

There's plenty going on in MWPP. But my friends aren't here. I miss my friend. I miss both of them. But I especially miss Niki.

[shagsthedustmop.livejournal.com]

I don't know, but it seems not the best thing to do to have a child to give yourself purpose. What's in it for the child?

I have been apathetic before, many a time actually, but I see that as a problem I need to work through rather than something to involve an innocent in. I've found that people who think having a child will solve any of their problems find out way too late that it is not the case, and at that point they have a child they are stuck with.

(I could also go on about how you're simplifying my political views, but since we don't want to argue that...)

[basildestiny]

And I think you are once again focusing on something and you don't even know me. Just like the last argument we had. Which is why I don't want to get into politics. I'm not simplifying your views, I'm focusing on the one aspect I didn't like and don't want to continue discussing because neither of us are going to change opinions.

How many children do you have or have you raised, Anye? I've raised three, maybe four if you want to include my god son, but I haven't really been there all of the time for him since his dad finally got his head out of his ass about it. Not every child born under the sun is born with a spoon in its a mouth. I have no idea when you think having a kid would be a good time, but I have the sneaking suspicion you don't think there is a good time. I know there is no "good" time. You are never financially secure. You are never prepared for everything that could arise. Life is unpredictable. There is plenty in it for the child. They get a caring parent. I've been wanting a child off and on for 5 years and had figured on having one before now. I've been putting it off saying I'm going to get through college or I'm going to do this or I'm going to do that and here I am completely unmotivated. I am the one thing that no one wants to be: useless. Useless and pointless. I would settle on having a dog, and yet strangely I would get evicted for a dog, but not a child. I'm sure that thoroughly pissed you off because you think I'm equating having a dog wiht a child and that I'm stupid and I don't have a clue what it is like to have a child or to raise one. Again, I say that I do. When I was 9, my mom had her third child. When I was 10, my mom had her fourth child. Guess who the 3rd child lived with? I bonded with my brother like a serrogate mother. And I was. It was great. And then he died when he was 10 and the color went out of my life. It was pointless. Every now and then it comes back. When my other brother (2 1/2 years younger than I) visits, the color comes back.

I have been apathetic for four years. When not apathetic, I am depressed. I would take having a dog or a cat. But in the end, I want a family. I miss having a family. That is why I want a child. Everything else that comes with it is a bonus.

[shagsthedustmop.livejournal.com]

As I said, I think that it is a good time to have one when you are 100% sure you want one and you have the means to care for it. There is a difference between being born "with a spoon in its mouth" and being born to someone who has (as far as is predictable) means to care for it. I certainly never said there is no good time to have one, at least not for other people.

I, not being 100% sure I wanted one and currently not having the means to afford it, have not had any children. I also do not plan to have any in the future, but that does not mean I don't think anyone else should.

If you think you have the emotional and financial means to raise another child, then I have no issues with your having one (and it's your decision anyway). I was merely worried about the idea that someone would have a child to attempt to cure what is wrong with them, when that is an awfully big burden to place on a child and a very permanent solution that is not at all certain of being successful to a temporary problem, and pointed this out for your consideration. You can take it or leave it.

And no, I do not think you equate a dog with a child nor was I pissed off by that statement. Nor have I ever called you stupid.

[basildestiny]

Well you should try it. Getting mad is fun. I like having emotions. Reminders of what is real and what it feels like to be alive.

I think, though, the main issue is that when I write you have no context for where I'm coming from so you give advice. Which I should appreciate. Instead I see it as common knowledge from someone who doesn't know me. I haven't learned to be gracious about advice because I quite honestly rarely get any advice worth hearing. My father is a bit like Polonius, doling out advice that is rhetorical because in truth, he doesn't know me. He couldn't be expected to know me. And the rest of my family takes advice from me. So I'm sorry about that. I simply have no practice on being gracious. Thanks for the pointer. I am not 100% ready to have a child. The main deciding factor was that I lose weight. I have much extra weight on this body which will allow for plenty of time for continued thought, job hunting and the like.

[shagsthedustmop.livejournal.com]

If you want me to stop commenting, I will. I'm certainly not trying to upset you :(

[basildestiny]

Nah. Keep posting. Maybe one day I'll grow out of my bad manners. That is if you can stand my bad manners. ;)