Note to self: Make more icons!
Monday, July 25th, 2005 01:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
basildestinyNotes to self aside, I am exhausted! What a long and wonderful day!
You know how people always say that you learn to appreciate your parents when you have your own kids. When you move out, you learn to appreciate them. Well I've always appreciated my mom. She's an amazing woman who raised four children by herself. She never gives herself enough credit. All she can see is all of the room left for improvement. And even with all of that, I miss my mom. It's really amazing how tough it is for me to come home on Sundays. I spend some of the day with my mom and sister and suddenly our time together is just not enough. It hasn't been enough in long time, but that small window has gotten smaller. It's something that I'm really bad at having faith at: that there will be time to spend together.
I'm glad that I never took that for granted. I think of all of the times I could have said that I'll have plenty of time to spend with that person. All of the times that I would have done something else. I would have worked longer at Chick-Fil-A and I would have wasted precious time I spent with my brother. I could have gone to work on September 24th, but I would have missed being there to support my best friend and I would have missed my Godson. I could have gone home April 3rd to get some rest, but I would have missed Julien. I could have continued working at ClientLogic, but I would have missed a wonderful summer spent with my brother and my sister, with my amazing MWPP friends, with old friends with whom I've parted ways, with friends I wish I managed to talk to more, with my mom, and with myself. I would have missed a summer figuring out who I was and what was important. I would have missed a summer of John Mayer and Clarity. Of Evan Rosier and Maeve McGonagall. Gilderoy Lockhart and the color lilac. It would have been a summer spent working with Sydney at ClientLogic and just more time wasted on a relationship that I could feel wasn't working, but which was fooling me into thinking it was. I would have missed working in the golden time at USCC. I would have missed Matt, my soul mate, my Godsend. I wouldn't have heard what God wanted me to hear. Whether or not it was my conscious decision or God's will or both, doesn't matter. I just want to take the time to reflect and appreciate what I have, where I've been, what I've done, and all of the amazing things that are in store. I can't plow forward if I'm worried about what's behind and a good way to not worry about what's behind is to stop for a moment and reflect. I don't ever want to become so busy that I forgot the absolute truths.
And I'm just going to stick this in between these two thoughts. Matt and I were discussing my lack of displaying emotions. I have such a hard time with this. I've always thought I was a little emotionally retarded when it came to certain emotions. So difficult for me to cry: tears of joy or tears of sorrow. And of course, my big wedding day is coming up. The day when I join with my fiance to tell the world that I've chosen this man to be with for the rest of my life. And I think back and come to the realization that there are people that I would have liked to have in my wedding. I would have loved to show my Papa how his granddaughter had grown up. Show him his second grandson. Ask him to help his son to grow up. I would have liked to have him stick around for some great grandchildren, to replant the tree which was knocked over in 2001 by a hurricane. I would have liked for my Grandpa Okada to be there. To hold his daughter's hand while she watched her daughter walk down the aisle. To have built back the rapport that had once been between granddaughter and grandfather. I always felt as though there was a space between he and I in his last years after the stroke. And lastly of all, I would have liked for my youngest brother to be 16 years old. I would have liked for him to have met my best friend and my soulmate. I would have liked for them to have had a relationship. I would have liked for my sister to still have her best friend, a hole which has never quite been filled. All wonderful things to have happen, but things happened this way for a reason. And so many other amazing things have happened because they did. And so I miss these people. I miss the things that could have been, but I look forward to the future. There's an eternity left.
Contemplation and reflections aside, I had a great time at church today. I feel bad that there are several people at work whom I know I should extend an invitation and I can't figure out how to work it in. Several people have expressed interest and I completely missed the chance to say "Hey! Come along with me. Give it a shot." An interesting devotional that I was listening to on the radio was talking about how people have delayed flights and missed luggage, but they still fly. How people get into car wrecks, but they still drive. How they'll receive horrible service and bad food, but will still return to fast food places. How a turkey can come out dry and terrible one year, but people still eat Thanksgiving dinner. And yet they have a few bad experiences with church and decide that it. No more. Written off. It was exactly like that for me. Well that and don't forget to factor in the while "if you're an educated person, you can't possiby believe in that whole faith thing." The ol' truth can't be known, only imperical knowledge can be known. 1 + 1 = 2, but there's nothing that can known about spiritual fact. It sounds exactly like me. I'm always surprised with myself. I remember being absolutely certain that if I ever dated Matt White, I'd show him the truth. I'd open his eyes to the truths that I knew. But something backfired. As it turned out, he already knew my truths and had rejected them as falsities that couldn't be backed up by anything other than it was my opinion. Imagine my shock! I would have been shocked anyway, but after all, he's my Godsend.
We scheduled the appointment for our pre-maritial counselling. There is a 74 question survey to fill out! I read all of the questions and didn't feel intimidated by any of them. Matthew and I have covered all of that stuff. I don't think I really was worried. I know that we have plenty to learn together, but I know that we'll work through it together. Together is how we were made to be, the rest will fall into place. With a lot of prayer and faith, I'm sure!
Speaking of prayer, if anyone does that, I've got a few requests. There's my mom and her job situation. My dad and his wife. My brother while he's in Iraq. My sister while she's still in her impressionable teen years, let nothing bad happen to her. Her dad, Richard, for any number of things. Matthew's mother for the tough time she had this week. My friends Jeff and Kandi in their upcoming marriage! And my other friends Jonathan and Jennifer in their marriage which follows Jeff and Kandi's by one day. My friends Tiffany and Garrett for an incredible list of things including jobs, two kids, and any number of things in the middle. And an extensive list of other friends whom I love dearly and think about often.
Our friend from San Francisco flew into town this weekend. I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with her. Hopefully she'll be making more trips so that we can have more face to face time and less over the phone time. I'd really like that.
I'm so horrible. I forgot to wish my friend, Garrett, a happy 25th birthday. I thought about that last week and just never followed up on that. Happy Birthday, Garrett! I know you don't read livejournal unless your wife forces you, but happy birthday all the same. I wish the best for you with this change and going back to school. I miss the time we used to have together. Our old crew, but change is good and without change our old crew wouldn't have two wonderful little boys to delight us.
Well off to bed for me. I have many things to do tomorrow. I have two adorable pictures of teenage, senior year Matthew to adorn my desk tomorrow. I'd like to surprise my mother with a nice bouquet of flowers and a heartful card just letting her know that she doesn't need to buy anything extravagant for my wedding. Simply being able to enjoy her now is so much more than enough. Actually being at my wedding is a treat. Creating my bouquet, my bride's maids' bouquets, and all of the other flower arrangements is just an incredible extra bit. I have aspirations to turn in my financial aid information in order to register for school. There's a little book in the library I'd like to look for... I have some random errands of picking things up and dropping things off as well. Not to mention 8 hours spent at work, hopefully in a good mood and hopefully bringing up my ideas for team huddles.
Or didn't you think I knew what a eugoogoly was?
~Bas
You know how people always say that you learn to appreciate your parents when you have your own kids. When you move out, you learn to appreciate them. Well I've always appreciated my mom. She's an amazing woman who raised four children by herself. She never gives herself enough credit. All she can see is all of the room left for improvement. And even with all of that, I miss my mom. It's really amazing how tough it is for me to come home on Sundays. I spend some of the day with my mom and sister and suddenly our time together is just not enough. It hasn't been enough in long time, but that small window has gotten smaller. It's something that I'm really bad at having faith at: that there will be time to spend together.
I'm glad that I never took that for granted. I think of all of the times I could have said that I'll have plenty of time to spend with that person. All of the times that I would have done something else. I would have worked longer at Chick-Fil-A and I would have wasted precious time I spent with my brother. I could have gone to work on September 24th, but I would have missed being there to support my best friend and I would have missed my Godson. I could have gone home April 3rd to get some rest, but I would have missed Julien. I could have continued working at ClientLogic, but I would have missed a wonderful summer spent with my brother and my sister, with my amazing MWPP friends, with old friends with whom I've parted ways, with friends I wish I managed to talk to more, with my mom, and with myself. I would have missed a summer figuring out who I was and what was important. I would have missed a summer of John Mayer and Clarity. Of Evan Rosier and Maeve McGonagall. Gilderoy Lockhart and the color lilac. It would have been a summer spent working with Sydney at ClientLogic and just more time wasted on a relationship that I could feel wasn't working, but which was fooling me into thinking it was. I would have missed working in the golden time at USCC. I would have missed Matt, my soul mate, my Godsend. I wouldn't have heard what God wanted me to hear. Whether or not it was my conscious decision or God's will or both, doesn't matter. I just want to take the time to reflect and appreciate what I have, where I've been, what I've done, and all of the amazing things that are in store. I can't plow forward if I'm worried about what's behind and a good way to not worry about what's behind is to stop for a moment and reflect. I don't ever want to become so busy that I forgot the absolute truths.
And I'm just going to stick this in between these two thoughts. Matt and I were discussing my lack of displaying emotions. I have such a hard time with this. I've always thought I was a little emotionally retarded when it came to certain emotions. So difficult for me to cry: tears of joy or tears of sorrow. And of course, my big wedding day is coming up. The day when I join with my fiance to tell the world that I've chosen this man to be with for the rest of my life. And I think back and come to the realization that there are people that I would have liked to have in my wedding. I would have loved to show my Papa how his granddaughter had grown up. Show him his second grandson. Ask him to help his son to grow up. I would have liked to have him stick around for some great grandchildren, to replant the tree which was knocked over in 2001 by a hurricane. I would have liked for my Grandpa Okada to be there. To hold his daughter's hand while she watched her daughter walk down the aisle. To have built back the rapport that had once been between granddaughter and grandfather. I always felt as though there was a space between he and I in his last years after the stroke. And lastly of all, I would have liked for my youngest brother to be 16 years old. I would have liked for him to have met my best friend and my soulmate. I would have liked for them to have had a relationship. I would have liked for my sister to still have her best friend, a hole which has never quite been filled. All wonderful things to have happen, but things happened this way for a reason. And so many other amazing things have happened because they did. And so I miss these people. I miss the things that could have been, but I look forward to the future. There's an eternity left.
Contemplation and reflections aside, I had a great time at church today. I feel bad that there are several people at work whom I know I should extend an invitation and I can't figure out how to work it in. Several people have expressed interest and I completely missed the chance to say "Hey! Come along with me. Give it a shot." An interesting devotional that I was listening to on the radio was talking about how people have delayed flights and missed luggage, but they still fly. How people get into car wrecks, but they still drive. How they'll receive horrible service and bad food, but will still return to fast food places. How a turkey can come out dry and terrible one year, but people still eat Thanksgiving dinner. And yet they have a few bad experiences with church and decide that it. No more. Written off. It was exactly like that for me. Well that and don't forget to factor in the while "if you're an educated person, you can't possiby believe in that whole faith thing." The ol' truth can't be known, only imperical knowledge can be known. 1 + 1 = 2, but there's nothing that can known about spiritual fact. It sounds exactly like me. I'm always surprised with myself. I remember being absolutely certain that if I ever dated Matt White, I'd show him the truth. I'd open his eyes to the truths that I knew. But something backfired. As it turned out, he already knew my truths and had rejected them as falsities that couldn't be backed up by anything other than it was my opinion. Imagine my shock! I would have been shocked anyway, but after all, he's my Godsend.
We scheduled the appointment for our pre-maritial counselling. There is a 74 question survey to fill out! I read all of the questions and didn't feel intimidated by any of them. Matthew and I have covered all of that stuff. I don't think I really was worried. I know that we have plenty to learn together, but I know that we'll work through it together. Together is how we were made to be, the rest will fall into place. With a lot of prayer and faith, I'm sure!
Speaking of prayer, if anyone does that, I've got a few requests. There's my mom and her job situation. My dad and his wife. My brother while he's in Iraq. My sister while she's still in her impressionable teen years, let nothing bad happen to her. Her dad, Richard, for any number of things. Matthew's mother for the tough time she had this week. My friends Jeff and Kandi in their upcoming marriage! And my other friends Jonathan and Jennifer in their marriage which follows Jeff and Kandi's by one day. My friends Tiffany and Garrett for an incredible list of things including jobs, two kids, and any number of things in the middle. And an extensive list of other friends whom I love dearly and think about often.
Our friend from San Francisco flew into town this weekend. I didn't get to spend nearly enough time with her. Hopefully she'll be making more trips so that we can have more face to face time and less over the phone time. I'd really like that.
I'm so horrible. I forgot to wish my friend, Garrett, a happy 25th birthday. I thought about that last week and just never followed up on that. Happy Birthday, Garrett! I know you don't read livejournal unless your wife forces you, but happy birthday all the same. I wish the best for you with this change and going back to school. I miss the time we used to have together. Our old crew, but change is good and without change our old crew wouldn't have two wonderful little boys to delight us.
Well off to bed for me. I have many things to do tomorrow. I have two adorable pictures of teenage, senior year Matthew to adorn my desk tomorrow. I'd like to surprise my mother with a nice bouquet of flowers and a heartful card just letting her know that she doesn't need to buy anything extravagant for my wedding. Simply being able to enjoy her now is so much more than enough. Actually being at my wedding is a treat. Creating my bouquet, my bride's maids' bouquets, and all of the other flower arrangements is just an incredible extra bit. I have aspirations to turn in my financial aid information in order to register for school. There's a little book in the library I'd like to look for... I have some random errands of picking things up and dropping things off as well. Not to mention 8 hours spent at work, hopefully in a good mood and hopefully bringing up my ideas for team huddles.
Or didn't you think I knew what a eugoogoly was?
~Bas
