What's wrong with me.
Wednesday, March 24th, 2004 06:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
basildestinyWell anyone who knows me knows that I am far too introspective. You knew that a melodramatic and introspective entry was on its way. I keep a few private now. To save space on your friends' list, but I think this one I wanted to share. I apologize for any distance I've put between friends lately. I've just needed my own space to figure out what is wrong with me.
In four days, I will be twenty-four years old. I'm almost six years out of high school and how do I feel? I feel numb. I was chatting with Froggy working on our roleplay together. I picked out someone to be my main character and I started thinking about the series. I really enjoyed watching it. There was angst and pain. There was emotion! I miss that feeling. I don't feel much anymore. I've become more outgoing. And I'm great with analyzing people, probably due to my continuous and overly intense introspection. But I don't feel. Jaded maybe a little. I don't look forward to anything when I go to bed at night. My life feels like this numb cycle where occassionally I see a show on television that makes me feel. And I want that feeling back so bad. I need it. So I stay up all night trying to feel it again. Being tortured by how it felt and not being able to feel that way anymore. I don't even know why this happened. If I can tell a young person anything, it's not to let yourself get numb. I should have cried more. I kept everything inside for so long that I just stopped feeling it. Now begins my therapy to teach myself to feel again. I need to feel pain. I've turned that off because I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I know who I am, why would I let anyone hurt me? Why would I feel pain? Well I'm going to get better. I am going to feel again. I miss that feeling of family. I never see my mother and I live in her home. I don't connect with my sister like I did with my brothers. My dad is incapable of showing emotion. He cares. I know he does. But he shows it through emails and money and materials. I miss having grandparents. I miss my grandfathers because they died before I made it through adolescents. I miss my grandmothers because one was too busy being angry at my mother that I never really formed a bond and now I don't know how to build the bridge. I can't tell her everything. It just doesn't come out. My other grandmother I just don't know her. I wish I could think of my step-father as a dad. I would love nothing more than to have someone I could call daddy and he would hug and kiss me. But I don't feel that way with my step-dad. I don't have anyone that I can reminsce about our childhood with anymore. My brother is coming home for a few days maybe. I wish I hadn't demanded so much from myself. I grew up too soon. But it was more than that. I never learned the importance of emotions. Things always hurt too much to let them in. It was too painful to think about every summer having to leave my family here and visit with family in Florida. And then having to leave that family in Florida to come back home. It was too painful to be torn between hating my step-father for what he did, but loving my siblings and my mother. It was too painful to think about the pointlessness of my brother's death. And now? Now nothing hurts as bad as all of that pain I denied. And I don't know what to do without it. I rarely feel alive. I feel like a zombie. What would I do with anti-depression medication? What? There's no point in that. I already have a problem with emotions. I need to talk to someone. Someone who doesn't take everything that I say personally. I need a shrink. I just don't know how to find one. Oh well. I'm tired, folks. It's nearly 6 am and I am going to get up at 10 am. I have fish food to buy, slim fast to try, and a Rammstein DVD calling my name. It's the little things that I look forward to which serve as a stepping stone to the return of my feelings.
Dawson's Creek was the best show no matter how unbelievable the vocabulary.
~Bas
In four days, I will be twenty-four years old. I'm almost six years out of high school and how do I feel? I feel numb. I was chatting with Froggy working on our roleplay together. I picked out someone to be my main character and I started thinking about the series. I really enjoyed watching it. There was angst and pain. There was emotion! I miss that feeling. I don't feel much anymore. I've become more outgoing. And I'm great with analyzing people, probably due to my continuous and overly intense introspection. But I don't feel. Jaded maybe a little. I don't look forward to anything when I go to bed at night. My life feels like this numb cycle where occassionally I see a show on television that makes me feel. And I want that feeling back so bad. I need it. So I stay up all night trying to feel it again. Being tortured by how it felt and not being able to feel that way anymore. I don't even know why this happened. If I can tell a young person anything, it's not to let yourself get numb. I should have cried more. I kept everything inside for so long that I just stopped feeling it. Now begins my therapy to teach myself to feel again. I need to feel pain. I've turned that off because I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I know who I am, why would I let anyone hurt me? Why would I feel pain? Well I'm going to get better. I am going to feel again. I miss that feeling of family. I never see my mother and I live in her home. I don't connect with my sister like I did with my brothers. My dad is incapable of showing emotion. He cares. I know he does. But he shows it through emails and money and materials. I miss having grandparents. I miss my grandfathers because they died before I made it through adolescents. I miss my grandmothers because one was too busy being angry at my mother that I never really formed a bond and now I don't know how to build the bridge. I can't tell her everything. It just doesn't come out. My other grandmother I just don't know her. I wish I could think of my step-father as a dad. I would love nothing more than to have someone I could call daddy and he would hug and kiss me. But I don't feel that way with my step-dad. I don't have anyone that I can reminsce about our childhood with anymore. My brother is coming home for a few days maybe. I wish I hadn't demanded so much from myself. I grew up too soon. But it was more than that. I never learned the importance of emotions. Things always hurt too much to let them in. It was too painful to think about every summer having to leave my family here and visit with family in Florida. And then having to leave that family in Florida to come back home. It was too painful to be torn between hating my step-father for what he did, but loving my siblings and my mother. It was too painful to think about the pointlessness of my brother's death. And now? Now nothing hurts as bad as all of that pain I denied. And I don't know what to do without it. I rarely feel alive. I feel like a zombie. What would I do with anti-depression medication? What? There's no point in that. I already have a problem with emotions. I need to talk to someone. Someone who doesn't take everything that I say personally. I need a shrink. I just don't know how to find one. Oh well. I'm tired, folks. It's nearly 6 am and I am going to get up at 10 am. I have fish food to buy, slim fast to try, and a Rammstein DVD calling my name. It's the little things that I look forward to which serve as a stepping stone to the return of my feelings.
Dawson's Creek was the best show no matter how unbelievable the vocabulary.
~Bas
