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Tuesday, February 17th, 2004 02:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
basildestinyMy fragile little mind is bored. I wrote a lot today and now I want to have someone with whom to converse. Or something to read. I'm also highly medicated, but it is starting to wear off. I have too much adrenaline running through my body to stay stupified. There's also a queue, but I am helping some kids install their DSL. Again this is turning into a diary, but my mind is pretty void of thoughts with the medication. I should go reread PoA.
I have a lot of fat on my body. It's kind of appalling. If you can imagine what I should weigh, I have the equivalent of at least one if not two toddlers (depending on age) in FAT! I try to hide it because no one wants to show off their fat. It's not a sign of being well off anymore. It's a sign that I am a lazy bastard.
A lot of fat bastards in tech support. I wonder if it is the comfort food response. It was for me. After being sick and losing the stress of 16 then 13 hours of class, I no longer eat nearly as much as I used to eat. Man, I used to have a meal three times a day. Just because I heard that small meals more often are better than one big meal. I wasn't eating a whole lot and I was eating a lot of veggies, but it turns out that maybe that was even an exaggerated amount of food. When I was sick, I could focus on what my body wanted. Whether it was hungry or not.
I have got to rant for a minute. My heart is just breaking over things that I cannot fix at all. Some people for whom I care very deeply had their hearts trampled upon and it has only come to a head over this weekend. I have the best intentions and love for these people, but my intentions cannot mend a broken heart. To one of these people, I can't even offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on because it would hurt me so much more to see those tears. I suppose part of the reason that I've always carried the standard of truth and waved it high was that I'm not afraid of opposition. I don't seek it out, but I would much rather take the brunt of that force than to see my loved ones take a hit. And maybe I'm over protective. Maybe by always trying to be so strong, I've robbed them of the experience. I'm glad to know that I have always been a truth teller. My friends from childhood and adolescence have told me as much. It would be interesting to see myself over the years. I wonder if I've gotten harder or softer over the years. But the point being that I love my friends and my family. I wish I could mend your wounds. I wish I could do something. I wish I could carry the load for you. But I am learning that you have to go through this stuff yourself. It would do you an injustice if I always pulled the load for you. I still love you though. I'm sorry if I'm an asshole sometimes.
But...I'm an asshole, leeo, eo, eo... A, S-S, H-O, L-E!
PS I have bats on my car windows and geckos on my steering wheel and dog pictures over my walls. And Remus Lupin had a serious case of the werewolves. But Albus says he is definitely not Ron Weasley. Flattering as the suggestion may be. Cockroach cluster?
I have a lot of fat on my body. It's kind of appalling. If you can imagine what I should weigh, I have the equivalent of at least one if not two toddlers (depending on age) in FAT! I try to hide it because no one wants to show off their fat. It's not a sign of being well off anymore. It's a sign that I am a lazy bastard.
A lot of fat bastards in tech support. I wonder if it is the comfort food response. It was for me. After being sick and losing the stress of 16 then 13 hours of class, I no longer eat nearly as much as I used to eat. Man, I used to have a meal three times a day. Just because I heard that small meals more often are better than one big meal. I wasn't eating a whole lot and I was eating a lot of veggies, but it turns out that maybe that was even an exaggerated amount of food. When I was sick, I could focus on what my body wanted. Whether it was hungry or not.
I have got to rant for a minute. My heart is just breaking over things that I cannot fix at all. Some people for whom I care very deeply had their hearts trampled upon and it has only come to a head over this weekend. I have the best intentions and love for these people, but my intentions cannot mend a broken heart. To one of these people, I can't even offer a hug or a shoulder to cry on because it would hurt me so much more to see those tears. I suppose part of the reason that I've always carried the standard of truth and waved it high was that I'm not afraid of opposition. I don't seek it out, but I would much rather take the brunt of that force than to see my loved ones take a hit. And maybe I'm over protective. Maybe by always trying to be so strong, I've robbed them of the experience. I'm glad to know that I have always been a truth teller. My friends from childhood and adolescence have told me as much. It would be interesting to see myself over the years. I wonder if I've gotten harder or softer over the years. But the point being that I love my friends and my family. I wish I could mend your wounds. I wish I could do something. I wish I could carry the load for you. But I am learning that you have to go through this stuff yourself. It would do you an injustice if I always pulled the load for you. I still love you though. I'm sorry if I'm an asshole sometimes.
But...I'm an asshole, leeo, eo, eo... A, S-S, H-O, L-E!
PS I have bats on my car windows and geckos on my steering wheel and dog pictures over my walls. And Remus Lupin had a serious case of the werewolves. But Albus says he is definitely not Ron Weasley. Flattering as the suggestion may be. Cockroach cluster?
